Okay, let's face it - the youths of this world today are really, really stupid. One of the more obvious contributing factors to this hypothesis is the fact that they listen to rap. They also wear baseball caps backwards, which is just plain absurd, and they eat high-school cafeteria food. However, the worst example of teenage-stupidity that I have stumbled upon is the creation of the internet language, apparently called 'Leet' (spelled '1337'). I have AOL Instant Messenger, although I'm sure everyone reading an online blog has to have it, so I don't really think I need explain what it is. Anyways, I was talking with a friend of mine, who apparently decided to learn the 'leet' language, and continue to the confuse the hell out of me.

Our conversation went something like this:

This week seems to be invention week - because I keep complaining about different products that really, and quite honestly, suck. Last time it was toothpicks, but this time it's something much more serious: the plastic slinky. Now, it's commonly known that Slinky's are really the coolest things ever, because hey, they're slinky's. Really they're just loose springs and people can juggle and make walk down stairs, but the Slinky company (whatever their name is - I don't have the box with me at the moment) felt the need to make these things out of plastic, which just ruins the whole concept.

Slinky's were originally used to get wires out of trees during the Vietnam War, (which is probably the stupidest war ever faught, aside from all of those that France was in) which not to many people know, which is a shame, because that proves that most of us are really too lazy to get up and look up the history behind one of America's greatest inventions. Then again, probably no one really knew it had any sort of history.

Anyways, plastic slinky's do not work. At all. They might as well try to make...hell, what don't they make out of plastic these days? There's a plastic everything! That's a shame. Oh! On the subject of plastic, have you seen the commercials for it? The ones in the hospital, about plastic, and how without it's bodily fluid handling capabilities, many lives would have been lost? Yeah, first of all, why are they advertising it in the first place, it's not like people aren't buying products made from plastic. Hell, they even make cars out of plastic! That's just wrong, considering they make Tonka cars out of the stuff. Sheesh, they're going to start making airplanes out of it, and how safe will you feel then? Hell, this is America! We have Ford! We made ceran wrap! We were the first nation to ever successfully make our toothbrushes electric! We need steel! Screw plastic. I'm going to start my own commercial, and it's going to make plastic seem horrible. "You know, four out of 10 million people die every year from plastic poisoning! What are you going to do..."

Do you know anyone who uses toothpicks? I didn't think so. No one uses toothpicks. So how the hell can the toothpick companies make a living off of them? I'm sure more toothpicks have been used in toothpick bridge construction for school projects than actual teeth cleaners. I wonder how many trees have been converted into toothpicks? According to some recently disclosed information, and some research done on Google for about four minutes, I have determined that about 7,500,000 toothpicks come from one average tree. Now, on my toothpick bridge for geometry, I used roughly 200 toothpicks. Mulitply that by the number of bridges in the class, which was 26, and add around 600 extras, for all the people who cheated on their bridges, we come up with about 6,000 tootpicks. And that's my gemoetry class alone! So, taking into account all of the geometry classes in all the schools in the world, we end up with roughly 365,812,609,321,634,855,014,102 toothpicks. There's your answer folks. Now, since I did all of that math, you guys can come up with the number of trees wasted.

See? A waste of perfectly good wood that could be used for other, much more useful items, such as bowling pins, or pecnil cups. Or crossbows! See? Wouldn't you rather have a crossbow than a toothpick? I wonder who buys the damn things. There must be enormous stock piles of toothpicks in the back of every convience store, and every Wal-Mart. We should go burn them! And then make all the Wal-Worlds burn up as well! Yes! Good idea!

Oh, and, they are almost infinately worse at cleaning your teeth compared to floss. And they make two kinds of toothpicks! Round and flat! As if anyone cared. What, did people start asking for flatter toothpicks because the other ones weren't working? Go check out that cupboard in your house that holds all the flashlights and string, extra tape, and that can of bug spray that's six years old, and see if you can't find some flat toothpicks. See if they help out your dental higene problem.

(Thanks everyone for all the responses. You put me back on track)

There are two things that suck pretty much over all else. One is Everquest. People have literally died over that game. It's not nearly as bad as the other thing though, which is of course, cherry flavored dental floss. That and my friend T.A., but he's beside the point. Floss is not supposed to have flavors. This is a lot like my toothbrush rant a ways back. Floss is supposed to be waxed string. You are not supposed to be able to taste it. You're supposed to floss whenever you have spare time, like on the subway, or the bus, or at a red light, or in school. No one flosses in the mornings or at night, because it wastes a lot of time that they know cold be devoted to more useful things, like blowing stuff up in War Craft III.

Floss sucks, but is not supposed to be sucked on. Who wants the taste of that horrible cherry-flavored medicene in their mouth while they're flossing? What, did the people who make floss think that they would make their product appear to be candy so more people would buy it? Come to think of it, who the hell actually makes floss? There are tons or toothbrush and toothpaste brand names, like Crest and Oral-B, and, when I think about it, what kind of name is 'toothpaste?' Is that unappatizing or what?

Anyways, uopn further inspection of my Cherry-flavored floss container, it appears to have been made by Johnson+Johnson, (probably copyrighted and trademarked and registered and if their reading this in no way am I making money off of their products) the same people who not only make baby lotions, (which, while we're at it, we could call 'baby paste') but cannot clearly see that they have put the same guy in their title twice. It's called Johnson+Johnson, but, there's already one Johnson in there, we don't need another one. Whoever the Co-founder for the company must be pretty pissed off, because the name isn't Johnson+Surgimaiwa (or: insert funny-sounding last name here), it's Johnson+Johnson. Someone better take a look at that and fix it.

Anyways, in conclusion, flossing sucks, and I'm going to start a line of products called "Big Frog+Big Frog Baby Paste." It'l be a hit.

I believe that anything that can be considered sexy to us guys should be required by law to stay at least a state's distance away from anything ugly that can really turn us off. For instance, take Spike TV's swimsuit issue program, on sometimes after 11 at night. It has a bunch of really, really hot chicks in outfits that are technically called 'bathing suits,' but are really more like really long spaghetti strands colored green and red and blue and pink and purple. This, is insanely cool given that it's on public TV. Now, the problem with this program is that inbetween the shots of the 18-20 year old girls, they display nasty old women in their sixties who are the managers for these young girls. And they have them talk about how the girls really like what they're doing, but anyone watching (aka guys) doesn't really care about why they like their career; we just want to stare at them. Apparently the sports people haven't quite grasped this concept for TV yet. They are models, and they are pretty to look at. An entire 1/2 hour of just 95% nude babes would do really well for whatever network it was on.
Another issue that needs to be adressed in this category are commercials for Victoria's Secret. They have possibly the hottest models ever, and yet in the most recent add, they have Bob Dylan in the same commercial. No disrespect to Bob there, I like his music...well, some of it...but he really does not belong in Victoria's Secret adds, because, frankly, he doesn't quite fit the par for the Victoria's model part. Sorry Bob, you're just a little too 60-years-old-ish for that job. Start doing adds for Snickers and Gatorade, possibly a Fabreeze one too. Those commercials would definately benefit from your music. But not the model ones. Admit it guys, when you're surfing through the channels, and you happen to see a Victoria's Secret add, you either stop and watch or if you passed it, you go right back to that channel. So, Bob, get the hell out of chick commericals. Go advertise for Nuprin. And you model-managers, well, there's a reason why you're the managers and not the models. Let the models take the air time. Possibly the biggest problem with all of this is that when I'm watching TV, my groin starts to hurt because of all the expanding and retracting it's doing when beautiful and ugly people keep popping on and off.

Dear Big Frog.

How far away is the sun, and why is it so hot?

Sincerely,
SuperSam425

Dear SuperSam;

I think you may have misspelled your question. Jesus is usually referred to as the "Son," not the "sun." Also, although many people choose to refer to God as neuter, Jesus is usually referred to as a "he" and not an "it." So I think the true question here is, "How far away is the Son, and why is he so hot?"

First of all, I understand your obsession with the physical attractiveness of Jesus. In the European tradition, Jesus is often pictured as a white male with long hair—somewhat like me. Therefore, one would assume he was incredibly hot—like me. However, most people would agree that Jesus' attractiveness is inconsequential when considering his teachings and ministry. Also, you should recognize that Jesus probably looked quite different than this in reality.

To address the first part of your inquiry, we must consider two things. First, most scholars agree that Jesus left the earth around 32 AD. But what is Jesus really? Ah, here I come to my second point. In John 8:12 (and other places throughout the New Testament), Jesus says, "I am the light." I think that's pretty self-explanatory. Therefore, assuming that Jesus traveled in a linear fashion directly away from the earth, and that he hasn't stopped moving since his resurrection, I can determine with some amount of accuracy the distance that Jesus traveled during this time. I simply multiply 1,971 (the number of years since the ascension of Jesus) by 9.5*10¹⁵ (the speed of light in meters per year). According to these calculations, Jesus is approximately 1.9*10¹⁹ meters away.

So there.
  

---Big Frog

Well, the number of responses has waned drastically. I know I haven't been at all thorough with the schedule, and I apologize. But it's not an easy thing to keep up. So, unless a bunch of people tell me not too, and I don't really expect anyone too, I'm probably going to stop. Thanks for reading, whoever you guys are.

Scientists are currently debating what might be a tenth planet in the solar system. They call it 'Sedna,' which is ridiculous because it sounds like some name for an eastern European woman. You never meet anyone named 'Uranus.' However, I like the concept of a tenth planet, because it would throw a bunch of astrological and philosiphical crap away, because a lot of it is based on the nine planets of the solar system, and with a 10th one added, everything would be screwed over. Oh sure, they'd try to save themselves, tellhing people it was predicted and stuff, but it wouldn't stick, which is good, because the theory that massive balls of gas floating a bunch of miles away in space have control over your life is complete crap. For all I care, we should have called the planet Bob. Or Samantha. Steve would be good too. "Hey look guys, using my new Telescoper 3000 I can see Steve!" That's a better name than 'Pluto.' THat was the name of a dog from Disney! Good grief. Call it Steve. Call Jupiter 'Igor,' Mars 'Wayne,' and 'Mercury 'Pimp.' I think that would modernize the whole astronomy effort and turn a lot more people onto it. Think about it, you scientists way the hell up on mount 'Asserfreezer' in Wyoming. Or wherever you are. Steve. That's good. Steve.

A big problem these days are vegetarians. They don't eat meat. We mass slaughter thousands of cows per day, for the sole purpose of burger manufaction, but they don't eat them. We end up throwing away perfectly good meat because vegetarians won't eat it. ANd, seriously, who cannot like meat? Especially bacon! Bacon is like, tyhe ultimate meat. For meaty people. All you vege-lovers, you go put some bacon in your salads. Eat a vege burger and put some bacon on top of it. Seriously. It's bacon. You do not deserve to be American if you don't like bacon. And, before all you vegetarians start hate-mailing me, go try some sirloin steak. You might change your mind. Because it's meat. Meat.