Last week sort of, while pondering some dimensions in geometry, and while listening to "Poisoning the Pigeons in the Park" by Tom Lehrer, I came to the conclusion that I want to change my name to "And4re." The '4' would be silent.

Do you think that they'd allow that? I was just thinking - how cool would that be? When you write checks out - you'd have that 4 in there. Or when telemarketers tried to call me - they'd think it was just a typo in their listings, but nope. "And4re."

See, you can put hyphens and dots and apostrophes in names - why not numbers? And how about an exclamation point after your name? "And4re!" That would be awesome.

I am so going to do that.

And become famous.

Apparently Werewolf Was Allergic To Peanuts
NEW ORLEANS—The werewolf who died while attacking a young woman Sunday must have been allergic to peanuts, experts said Tuesday. "The wolfman crashed through the intended victim's front window, but before the accursed beast could tear her apart in a savage fury, he stepped in a bowl of honey-roasted peanuts," said Dr. Alex Price, professor of lycanthropic studies at Tulane University. "Within seconds, the hellbeast's face began to swell, and he collapsed into an anaphylactic attack, unable to breathe." Price said that, had the werewolf not been more animal than man at the time of the attack, he likely would have used the epinephrine injection pen paramedics found in the breast pocket of his shirt.

That's right. Werewolves are not invincible!

Okay, so I'm moving soon, not far, just to another location in the town. Sorry for the lackness of updates, but I've been pretty busy. Busy making sure all my Generals files are saved. I'm also looking into the aspect of transferring this page to a real website, because it's kinda sad to be doing this on a blog.

Anyways, so the open house for my house was today. Now, it only lasted two hours, but when I got back, my room was a total mess. My bed looked like it had been attacked by the muffin monster, (there were litterally muffin crumbs on it - a lot of muffin crumbs), there were two pairs of sweatpants that I haven't worn in three years on the floor, one of the keys in my keyboard was misplaced, numerous CD's had been broken in half and strewn around the floor, and my computer was displaying the oddest screensaver I had ever seen - and I had never seen it before. It was a picture of two bunnies. One of the bunnies had been edited in what looked like Microsoft Paint so that it was green, (there was a big green blob on it's body) had evil eyebrows and a devil's tail, and the other bunny was wearing a very poor rendtion of a lace bra and panties. (I really don't know how this indiviual got this to work on a bunny, but I suspect it was proportionally acurate if I ever tried to dress up a bunny in lingere.) Now, both bunnies were suspended on a scale, and one bunny was slightly heavier than the other one, and there was a picture of one of the actors from 'Platoon' aiming his AK-47 at the bunny dressed in drag's head. Then, scrawled across the bottom of the picture, was "PROPAGANDA!" emblazened in big white letters. I didn't save the picture, unfortunately, so I can't show you guys.

Which brings me to my next point. Whoever drew that was either a very disturbed 9 year old, or some stoned hippie who thought it would be funny to litter my computer with his 'PROPAGANDA!'

Please, don't do drugs.

I cannot stress this enough.

I would like to point out a few facts that I thought were common knowlegde, but apparently some people haven't quite grasped some of their simple concepts. Firstly, chairs are inanimate objects. They cannot talk, they cannot hear, they can't do any human-like activites. In fact, they can only do chair-like activities, mainly because they are chairs, and they cannot do much else. I thought this was obvious, but upon listening to a certain song by one Neil Diamond, it was brought to my attention that maybe some people didn't know this. One of the lyrics in the song is "nobody heard me, not even the chair."

According to apparently really really really smart scientists, there is 'conclusive evidence' that there are really really probably no other life forms on any other planets in our galaxy. I don't know expactly how they managed to come to this conclusion, but this makes me sad. Because, (get ready for a rare piece of actual information here) even if there is life in other galaxies, we are too far away from them, around something like 200,000 lightyears, to ever recieve any transmission ever sent. In fact, the article declares that there may be thousands of races out there, and they've tried contacting us, but we've only been around for 2,000, much less 200,000 years.

Sucks for you alien guys. But it sucks for me too, because, I always wanted to meet an alien. Like, would it be really small, and green, with big eyes, like the classic alien? Or would it look more like a Pokemon thing? Random big ones and small ones. Would they have pets? Would those pets have teeth? What if they couldn't see color? Then you could teach it like 'this is yellow!' and point to a blue. What if they were blue? Like, a superintellegent shade of the color blue! (Yes, I stole that from Doug Adams) But still, how cool would that be? You could teach it to sing the "I'm Blue" song. Remember that one? That song still bugs me.

Okay. There are a lot of people wondering what the definition of a 'tool' is. Having pondered the question myself, I will explain to everyone how to point one out.

Firstly, let's try to identify the basics. Tools are things that people can use to their advantage. Like hammers. Or guns. Or little siblings.

To point out a tool, all you have to do is identify the person that you wish to classify as a 'tool' or anything besides one.

For example, let' take this guy.

His name is Steve.

He works at some sort of place that has to do with oily-type contraptions. He is wearing sunglasses and a cap, and he has a mustache. However, since there doesn't seem to be anything abnormal about him, he is not a tool.

Okay okay. There are complaints from enviromentalists that we "are running out of landfill space."

This is completely and utterly wrong. What the hell else are we going to do with Iowa?

Okay, so that was a joke, Iowa is not important enough to house landfills. Come to think of it, what the hell is in Iowa anyhow? Moose? No..that's Canada. Cheese? Nooope, that's Wisconsin. Cork? Portugal makes that, so, no...well, anyways, there is absolutely plenty of space left on the planet for landfills. Try Siberia. No one lives up there. Or Greenland. Plenty of room.

Enviromentalists also complain about the nature of landfills. That they 'ruin the enviroment.' The high school in my town was recently renevated. The trash from the construction was placed in the front yard, covered with dirt, and now is a nice grassy knoll that is popular for sledding in the wintertime. There you go. It's a landfill, but it doesn't smell, there's no residue or anything in our water system, and people enjoy it. Take that, you complainers.

Who has ever tried those flavored water drinks? ike Fruit-2-O, or that Crystal Ice stuff...And how many of you have spit in disgust after you tried them? My point today is that water has no flavor for a reason. It tastes good that way. It does not taste good when it seems people have let old Jolly Ranchers soak in their water supply for three days. Drinks should either be water, or, not-water. Like Gatorade. It tastes horrible, but at least it's not trying to be a water wanabe. Or Juicy Juice. Who didn't like Juicy Juice when they were a kid? That tasted great. It was pretty much water with a lot of flavoring, instead of a tiny little amount that would be hard to dectect even with an electron microscpe. Maybe those guys took Juicy Juice and tried to make it water, but failed, so they decided to sell that.

The killer, of course, is that you cannot tell, just by looking at the color of the liquid, whether it is regular plain old fine tasting water, or water with microscopic molecules of cranberry in it. I had this prank played on me by one of my friends. He handed me a glass of what looked like a cool, refreshing water-like constant, but was actually Cranberry flavored Fruit-2-O. So, in response, I decided to spit it out all over his kitchen, so I guess I got my revenge on him.

Now, it may not seem like a big deal right now...but what if these cruel water-mutating people continue to torture water in the way they do? In a matter of years, there might not be any refular water left! They drop their little microscopic strawberries into the oceans! And then all the fish will die, and the scientists will be baffled until one of them proves the 'strawberry poisoning' theory. Rain will taste like oranges, and everyone will try to drink it, but it will be acid rain! And then the death rate will skyrocket and the only people left will be the eskimos, because they don't drink rain, they drink snow.

See what you're doing? The planet will become a hive of fruit-starved people. We cannot let this happen. Boycott the sham-water that appears in your local Market Baskets and Shaws's. We can stan up to them...but first we need to create an army of vegetable flavored drinks. Only that will combat the evil of the fruit-flavored drinks.

I know it's a lot to ask these days, but I need to ask a favor of the people who work for the spyware companies. Could you please find a way to annoy me more? You're clearly not annoying me enough. I mean, all you did was irriversibly set my homepage to some "search for Porn" site, filled my favorites folder with "Animal Sex" and "Incest (Moms and daughters!)," made my Google page not work temporarily, installed about seven hundred programs that advertise for porn when I start up Quicktime, and send me a message every time I turn on my computer that asks me if I want to go to www.bustybabes.com and...holy crap, that's a real link...I was just using that as an example. Wow. NO ONE CLICK THAT LINK. I guess I gotta put a whole lot of legal stuff up here now. I am in no way responisble if you're kid goes and clicks that link because he thinks that my webpage is safe. No one's webpage is safe. If you're child is looking at my webpage, which is unlikely because no one comes here anymore, then you should get mad at him for putting some sort of spyware on you're computer, because it obviously has it already, even though I have no way of knowing it, and the only safe sites anyone can ever visit are Microsoft's site and www.mario.com. And now I have to say stuff so stupid people don't go suing me. Clicking that link is a bad idea. If you couldn't understand that warning, let me put it on it's own line and use a bigger typeface.
That link up there, the first one, not the second one, is bad, and if you click it, you are stupid. Unless that's what you're looking for. That link contains bad pictures.

There we go, hopefully that fixed it. Although, because of spyware, my text is permantly screwed up and I'll never be able to return to the text I first used.

Hopefull that got my point across.

Spyware people suck.

I had to type this rant twice, because the first time my computer overloaded with pop-ups, and I had to restart.

For those of you who don't know me, I have long hair. I am a guy. I have long hair. Long, dark hair. Now, for some reason, this makes people think I do drugs. I don't know why, because I don't do drugs, never hae, and most probably never will. But the fact that my hair is longer than average tends to lead people to the conclusion that I am a druggie. This is a wrong conclusion.

This further indiciates the stupitidy of young people, especially the ones who already do drugs - you guys are pure morons. I guess I can't really do anything to get you to stop killing yourself, but why the hell would you offer me little tubes of disgusting-smelling lung cancer? No, drugs are bad - I figured that out before anyone told me they were. Do not offer drugs to people with long hair. Long hair only works on really really tall guys, and therefore they can probably beat you up.

Oh, and people with long hair (guys) do not listen to rap either. We all think it sucks. If you have long hair, and you like rap, and you're a guy, cut you're hair, or don't be a guy anymore. You can keep the hair, but you'll need a genital transition. Rap is crap. I believe I've already properly ranted about it a bunch of rants back.

Bottom line - not all guys with long hair do drugs. Blonde, long-haired guys probably do. But not dark-haired guys. Doesn't work with us. Don't offer us drugs. We're bigger than you, and we can beat you up.