Italian law makers have recently passed a series of laws that force all Italian pizza makers to make pizza by certain standards, or lese they may have their pizza-making-liscense suspended. These laws include the following:

-No pizza made in the country of Italy may be larger than 35cm in diameter, and no more than .3 cm thick in the middle.

Okay. Seriously now. Muffin's are getting way too big for anyone. They're gigantic! It could be served as an entrie course at the Texas Roadhouse. And don't even talk to me about the size of the blueberries in them. I think there's some mathimatical theorum that states: "The size of the blueberries and/or chocolate chips embedded in muffins must be directly proportional to the muffins themselves."

They are way too big for they're own good. Those blueberries are the size of....really really really big blueberries. And the chocolate chips seem as though they implant Hershey Kisses directly into the dough.

Okay, time to admit it - everyone has indulged in the classically imature "-in bed" game. The one where you take a slogan or motto from somewhere - usually hardwear stores or pet food brands - and add the words 'in bed' after it, to create some sort of comical sexual inuendo.

Last week sort of, while pondering some dimensions in geometry, and while listening to "Poisoning the Pigeons in the Park" by Tom Lehrer, I came to the conclusion that I want to change my name to "And4re." The '4' would be silent.

Do you think that they'd allow that? I was just thinking - how cool would that be? When you write checks out - you'd have that 4 in there. Or when telemarketers tried to call me - they'd think it was just a typo in their listings, but nope. "And4re."

See, you can put hyphens and dots and apostrophes in names - why not numbers? And how about an exclamation point after your name? "And4re!" That would be awesome.

I am so going to do that.

And become famous.

Apparently Werewolf Was Allergic To Peanuts
NEW ORLEANS—The werewolf who died while attacking a young woman Sunday must have been allergic to peanuts, experts said Tuesday. "The wolfman crashed through the intended victim's front window, but before the accursed beast could tear her apart in a savage fury, he stepped in a bowl of honey-roasted peanuts," said Dr. Alex Price, professor of lycanthropic studies at Tulane University. "Within seconds, the hellbeast's face began to swell, and he collapsed into an anaphylactic attack, unable to breathe." Price said that, had the werewolf not been more animal than man at the time of the attack, he likely would have used the epinephrine injection pen paramedics found in the breast pocket of his shirt.

That's right. Werewolves are not invincible!

Okay, so I'm moving soon, not far, just to another location in the town. Sorry for the lackness of updates, but I've been pretty busy. Busy making sure all my Generals files are saved. I'm also looking into the aspect of transferring this page to a real website, because it's kinda sad to be doing this on a blog.

Anyways, so the open house for my house was today. Now, it only lasted two hours, but when I got back, my room was a total mess. My bed looked like it had been attacked by the muffin monster, (there were litterally muffin crumbs on it - a lot of muffin crumbs), there were two pairs of sweatpants that I haven't worn in three years on the floor, one of the keys in my keyboard was misplaced, numerous CD's had been broken in half and strewn around the floor, and my computer was displaying the oddest screensaver I had ever seen - and I had never seen it before. It was a picture of two bunnies. One of the bunnies had been edited in what looked like Microsoft Paint so that it was green, (there was a big green blob on it's body) had evil eyebrows and a devil's tail, and the other bunny was wearing a very poor rendtion of a lace bra and panties. (I really don't know how this indiviual got this to work on a bunny, but I suspect it was proportionally acurate if I ever tried to dress up a bunny in lingere.) Now, both bunnies were suspended on a scale, and one bunny was slightly heavier than the other one, and there was a picture of one of the actors from 'Platoon' aiming his AK-47 at the bunny dressed in drag's head. Then, scrawled across the bottom of the picture, was "PROPAGANDA!" emblazened in big white letters. I didn't save the picture, unfortunately, so I can't show you guys.

Which brings me to my next point. Whoever drew that was either a very disturbed 9 year old, or some stoned hippie who thought it would be funny to litter my computer with his 'PROPAGANDA!'

Please, don't do drugs.

I cannot stress this enough.

I would like to point out a few facts that I thought were common knowlegde, but apparently some people haven't quite grasped some of their simple concepts. Firstly, chairs are inanimate objects. They cannot talk, they cannot hear, they can't do any human-like activites. In fact, they can only do chair-like activities, mainly because they are chairs, and they cannot do much else. I thought this was obvious, but upon listening to a certain song by one Neil Diamond, it was brought to my attention that maybe some people didn't know this. One of the lyrics in the song is "nobody heard me, not even the chair."

According to apparently really really really smart scientists, there is 'conclusive evidence' that there are really really probably no other life forms on any other planets in our galaxy. I don't know expactly how they managed to come to this conclusion, but this makes me sad. Because, (get ready for a rare piece of actual information here) even if there is life in other galaxies, we are too far away from them, around something like 200,000 lightyears, to ever recieve any transmission ever sent. In fact, the article declares that there may be thousands of races out there, and they've tried contacting us, but we've only been around for 2,000, much less 200,000 years.

Sucks for you alien guys. But it sucks for me too, because, I always wanted to meet an alien. Like, would it be really small, and green, with big eyes, like the classic alien? Or would it look more like a Pokemon thing? Random big ones and small ones. Would they have pets? Would those pets have teeth? What if they couldn't see color? Then you could teach it like 'this is yellow!' and point to a blue. What if they were blue? Like, a superintellegent shade of the color blue! (Yes, I stole that from Doug Adams) But still, how cool would that be? You could teach it to sing the "I'm Blue" song. Remember that one? That song still bugs me.

Okay. There are a lot of people wondering what the definition of a 'tool' is. Having pondered the question myself, I will explain to everyone how to point one out.

Firstly, let's try to identify the basics. Tools are things that people can use to their advantage. Like hammers. Or guns. Or little siblings.

To point out a tool, all you have to do is identify the person that you wish to classify as a 'tool' or anything besides one.

For example, let' take this guy.

His name is Steve.

He works at some sort of place that has to do with oily-type contraptions. He is wearing sunglasses and a cap, and he has a mustache. However, since there doesn't seem to be anything abnormal about him, he is not a tool.

Okay okay. There are complaints from enviromentalists that we "are running out of landfill space."

This is completely and utterly wrong. What the hell else are we going to do with Iowa?

Okay, so that was a joke, Iowa is not important enough to house landfills. Come to think of it, what the hell is in Iowa anyhow? Moose? No..that's Canada. Cheese? Nooope, that's Wisconsin. Cork? Portugal makes that, so, no...well, anyways, there is absolutely plenty of space left on the planet for landfills. Try Siberia. No one lives up there. Or Greenland. Plenty of room.

Enviromentalists also complain about the nature of landfills. That they 'ruin the enviroment.' The high school in my town was recently renevated. The trash from the construction was placed in the front yard, covered with dirt, and now is a nice grassy knoll that is popular for sledding in the wintertime. There you go. It's a landfill, but it doesn't smell, there's no residue or anything in our water system, and people enjoy it. Take that, you complainers.