According to apparently really really really smart scientists, there is 'conclusive evidence' that there are really really probably no other life forms on any other planets in our galaxy. I don't know expactly how they managed to come to this conclusion, but this makes me sad. Because, (get ready for a rare piece of actual information here) even if there is life in other galaxies, we are too far away from them, around something like 200,000 lightyears, to ever recieve any transmission ever sent. In fact, the article declares that there may be thousands of races out there, and they've tried contacting us, but we've only been around for 2,000, much less 200,000 years.

Sucks for you alien guys. But it sucks for me too, because, I always wanted to meet an alien. Like, would it be really small, and green, with big eyes, like the classic alien? Or would it look more like a Pokemon thing? Random big ones and small ones. Would they have pets? Would those pets have teeth? What if they couldn't see color? Then you could teach it like 'this is yellow!' and point to a blue. What if they were blue? Like, a superintellegent shade of the color blue! (Yes, I stole that from Doug Adams) But still, how cool would that be? You could teach it to sing the "I'm Blue" song. Remember that one? That song still bugs me.

Okay. There are a lot of people wondering what the definition of a 'tool' is. Having pondered the question myself, I will explain to everyone how to point one out.

Firstly, let's try to identify the basics. Tools are things that people can use to their advantage. Like hammers. Or guns. Or little siblings.

To point out a tool, all you have to do is identify the person that you wish to classify as a 'tool' or anything besides one.

For example, let' take this guy.

His name is Steve.

He works at some sort of place that has to do with oily-type contraptions. He is wearing sunglasses and a cap, and he has a mustache. However, since there doesn't seem to be anything abnormal about him, he is not a tool.

Okay okay. There are complaints from enviromentalists that we "are running out of landfill space."

This is completely and utterly wrong. What the hell else are we going to do with Iowa?

Okay, so that was a joke, Iowa is not important enough to house landfills. Come to think of it, what the hell is in Iowa anyhow? Moose? No..that's Canada. Cheese? Nooope, that's Wisconsin. Cork? Portugal makes that, so, no...well, anyways, there is absolutely plenty of space left on the planet for landfills. Try Siberia. No one lives up there. Or Greenland. Plenty of room.

Enviromentalists also complain about the nature of landfills. That they 'ruin the enviroment.' The high school in my town was recently renevated. The trash from the construction was placed in the front yard, covered with dirt, and now is a nice grassy knoll that is popular for sledding in the wintertime. There you go. It's a landfill, but it doesn't smell, there's no residue or anything in our water system, and people enjoy it. Take that, you complainers.

Who has ever tried those flavored water drinks? ike Fruit-2-O, or that Crystal Ice stuff...And how many of you have spit in disgust after you tried them? My point today is that water has no flavor for a reason. It tastes good that way. It does not taste good when it seems people have let old Jolly Ranchers soak in their water supply for three days. Drinks should either be water, or, not-water. Like Gatorade. It tastes horrible, but at least it's not trying to be a water wanabe. Or Juicy Juice. Who didn't like Juicy Juice when they were a kid? That tasted great. It was pretty much water with a lot of flavoring, instead of a tiny little amount that would be hard to dectect even with an electron microscpe. Maybe those guys took Juicy Juice and tried to make it water, but failed, so they decided to sell that.

The killer, of course, is that you cannot tell, just by looking at the color of the liquid, whether it is regular plain old fine tasting water, or water with microscopic molecules of cranberry in it. I had this prank played on me by one of my friends. He handed me a glass of what looked like a cool, refreshing water-like constant, but was actually Cranberry flavored Fruit-2-O. So, in response, I decided to spit it out all over his kitchen, so I guess I got my revenge on him.

Now, it may not seem like a big deal right now...but what if these cruel water-mutating people continue to torture water in the way they do? In a matter of years, there might not be any refular water left! They drop their little microscopic strawberries into the oceans! And then all the fish will die, and the scientists will be baffled until one of them proves the 'strawberry poisoning' theory. Rain will taste like oranges, and everyone will try to drink it, but it will be acid rain! And then the death rate will skyrocket and the only people left will be the eskimos, because they don't drink rain, they drink snow.

See what you're doing? The planet will become a hive of fruit-starved people. We cannot let this happen. Boycott the sham-water that appears in your local Market Baskets and Shaws's. We can stan up to them...but first we need to create an army of vegetable flavored drinks. Only that will combat the evil of the fruit-flavored drinks.

I know it's a lot to ask these days, but I need to ask a favor of the people who work for the spyware companies. Could you please find a way to annoy me more? You're clearly not annoying me enough. I mean, all you did was irriversibly set my homepage to some "search for Porn" site, filled my favorites folder with "Animal Sex" and "Incest (Moms and daughters!)," made my Google page not work temporarily, installed about seven hundred programs that advertise for porn when I start up Quicktime, and send me a message every time I turn on my computer that asks me if I want to go to www.bustybabes.com and...holy crap, that's a real link...I was just using that as an example. Wow. NO ONE CLICK THAT LINK. I guess I gotta put a whole lot of legal stuff up here now. I am in no way responisble if you're kid goes and clicks that link because he thinks that my webpage is safe. No one's webpage is safe. If you're child is looking at my webpage, which is unlikely because no one comes here anymore, then you should get mad at him for putting some sort of spyware on you're computer, because it obviously has it already, even though I have no way of knowing it, and the only safe sites anyone can ever visit are Microsoft's site and www.mario.com. And now I have to say stuff so stupid people don't go suing me. Clicking that link is a bad idea. If you couldn't understand that warning, let me put it on it's own line and use a bigger typeface.
That link up there, the first one, not the second one, is bad, and if you click it, you are stupid. Unless that's what you're looking for. That link contains bad pictures.

There we go, hopefully that fixed it. Although, because of spyware, my text is permantly screwed up and I'll never be able to return to the text I first used.

Hopefull that got my point across.

Spyware people suck.

I had to type this rant twice, because the first time my computer overloaded with pop-ups, and I had to restart.

For those of you who don't know me, I have long hair. I am a guy. I have long hair. Long, dark hair. Now, for some reason, this makes people think I do drugs. I don't know why, because I don't do drugs, never hae, and most probably never will. But the fact that my hair is longer than average tends to lead people to the conclusion that I am a druggie. This is a wrong conclusion.

This further indiciates the stupitidy of young people, especially the ones who already do drugs - you guys are pure morons. I guess I can't really do anything to get you to stop killing yourself, but why the hell would you offer me little tubes of disgusting-smelling lung cancer? No, drugs are bad - I figured that out before anyone told me they were. Do not offer drugs to people with long hair. Long hair only works on really really tall guys, and therefore they can probably beat you up.

Oh, and people with long hair (guys) do not listen to rap either. We all think it sucks. If you have long hair, and you like rap, and you're a guy, cut you're hair, or don't be a guy anymore. You can keep the hair, but you'll need a genital transition. Rap is crap. I believe I've already properly ranted about it a bunch of rants back.

Bottom line - not all guys with long hair do drugs. Blonde, long-haired guys probably do. But not dark-haired guys. Doesn't work with us. Don't offer us drugs. We're bigger than you, and we can beat you up.

Okay, let's face it - the youths of this world today are really, really stupid. One of the more obvious contributing factors to this hypothesis is the fact that they listen to rap. They also wear baseball caps backwards, which is just plain absurd, and they eat high-school cafeteria food. However, the worst example of teenage-stupidity that I have stumbled upon is the creation of the internet language, apparently called 'Leet' (spelled '1337'). I have AOL Instant Messenger, although I'm sure everyone reading an online blog has to have it, so I don't really think I need explain what it is. Anyways, I was talking with a friend of mine, who apparently decided to learn the 'leet' language, and continue to the confuse the hell out of me.

Our conversation went something like this:

This week seems to be invention week - because I keep complaining about different products that really, and quite honestly, suck. Last time it was toothpicks, but this time it's something much more serious: the plastic slinky. Now, it's commonly known that Slinky's are really the coolest things ever, because hey, they're slinky's. Really they're just loose springs and people can juggle and make walk down stairs, but the Slinky company (whatever their name is - I don't have the box with me at the moment) felt the need to make these things out of plastic, which just ruins the whole concept.

Slinky's were originally used to get wires out of trees during the Vietnam War, (which is probably the stupidest war ever faught, aside from all of those that France was in) which not to many people know, which is a shame, because that proves that most of us are really too lazy to get up and look up the history behind one of America's greatest inventions. Then again, probably no one really knew it had any sort of history.

Anyways, plastic slinky's do not work. At all. They might as well try to make...hell, what don't they make out of plastic these days? There's a plastic everything! That's a shame. Oh! On the subject of plastic, have you seen the commercials for it? The ones in the hospital, about plastic, and how without it's bodily fluid handling capabilities, many lives would have been lost? Yeah, first of all, why are they advertising it in the first place, it's not like people aren't buying products made from plastic. Hell, they even make cars out of plastic! That's just wrong, considering they make Tonka cars out of the stuff. Sheesh, they're going to start making airplanes out of it, and how safe will you feel then? Hell, this is America! We have Ford! We made ceran wrap! We were the first nation to ever successfully make our toothbrushes electric! We need steel! Screw plastic. I'm going to start my own commercial, and it's going to make plastic seem horrible. "You know, four out of 10 million people die every year from plastic poisoning! What are you going to do..."

Do you know anyone who uses toothpicks? I didn't think so. No one uses toothpicks. So how the hell can the toothpick companies make a living off of them? I'm sure more toothpicks have been used in toothpick bridge construction for school projects than actual teeth cleaners. I wonder how many trees have been converted into toothpicks? According to some recently disclosed information, and some research done on Google for about four minutes, I have determined that about 7,500,000 toothpicks come from one average tree. Now, on my toothpick bridge for geometry, I used roughly 200 toothpicks. Mulitply that by the number of bridges in the class, which was 26, and add around 600 extras, for all the people who cheated on their bridges, we come up with about 6,000 tootpicks. And that's my gemoetry class alone! So, taking into account all of the geometry classes in all the schools in the world, we end up with roughly 365,812,609,321,634,855,014,102 toothpicks. There's your answer folks. Now, since I did all of that math, you guys can come up with the number of trees wasted.

See? A waste of perfectly good wood that could be used for other, much more useful items, such as bowling pins, or pecnil cups. Or crossbows! See? Wouldn't you rather have a crossbow than a toothpick? I wonder who buys the damn things. There must be enormous stock piles of toothpicks in the back of every convience store, and every Wal-Mart. We should go burn them! And then make all the Wal-Worlds burn up as well! Yes! Good idea!

Oh, and, they are almost infinately worse at cleaning your teeth compared to floss. And they make two kinds of toothpicks! Round and flat! As if anyone cared. What, did people start asking for flatter toothpicks because the other ones weren't working? Go check out that cupboard in your house that holds all the flashlights and string, extra tape, and that can of bug spray that's six years old, and see if you can't find some flat toothpicks. See if they help out your dental higene problem.

(Thanks everyone for all the responses. You put me back on track)