Indeed, one of the many problems with having no internet is the fact that everything you try to regularly update is now near neigh un-update-able. My sincerest apologies for anyone who reads these, because I have been without the nets of the 'inter,' if you will, for more than two weeks. I am currently at my local library, having forced my way onto a computer using negligible, but sufficient force and means which are probably better left unspoken of on the web.

This in itself could count as a rant. I've actually forgotten whether or not I've been trying to keep my identity a secret - but I will now reveal that I indeed live in Massachusetts, if I have not revealed that already, which is a state currently under the cable direction of a company (not really a company, more like an unorganized mess of individuals who laugh at our indirection to do anything about our poor cable and internet provisionary acesses) called Comcast.

Comcast itself is actually a fairly decent internet and cable provider, the catch being that most people who live here already had the actual cable and internet wires installed in their houses. During my relocation to another part of town, the Comcast people were supposed to come and run the wires from the boxes outside to the newly constructed condo, in which I now reside. Indeed they did come, however, the results were not quite what I expected. The people, of which there were three, and whom I shall refer to from now on as 'Chip,' 'Skip,' and 'Nunzio.'

Chip was a burly man, who looked like, in my mind in particular, could have been a U.S. Navy SEAL (those of you who are unfamiliar with SEALS: think of a lot of big strong James Bond's, intertwined with a few Ethan Hunt's and occasionally mixed with some Neo's from the Matrix. The point is that they are the most elite military operational unit in the world. Mission Impossible on a scale gone beserk.) The reason Chip needs such extensive descriptive detail is becase he is the one, who tried, and failed, to get the wire, apparently throuhh a pipe, fromt eh box to my house. The reason that he would not be a prime canadite for the SEALs is that I'm sure they require some sort of IQ above the level of 62, which is probably what he had. To his complete amazement: "I jus' can'tttt git that damn wire threw thase damn pipe!"

Which is when I started considering the possibility of maybe taking one of my massive heavy lead pipes to the side of his equally massive heavy head.

Well, anyways, Skip and Nunzio didn't really do anything, except to stand and nod as Chip explained to them what the problem was. Which, of course, he was unsure of, he just knew that the wire could not go through the pipe, which, while crucial information, I suppose, does not help my situation.

And so now, I'm in the process of getting Comcast to come back to my condo and get the wire through the damn pipe before I solve my problem with a lot of high-explosives. They originally scheduled for the 28th of this month. Which makes absoluetly no sense.

I've already ranted far too much today. Time to go get my C-4 ready.

Phew, it's been a while guys, sorry bout that. I am in the middle of packing my household for a big move, so, as you can imagine, I don't have very much along the lines of free time. Once I'm all set I'll work on getting back on schedule. ANyways, in the meantime let me rant for a bit on the subject of chemicals.

Now, we don't need to get into specifics here - even though most chemicals are produced to do different things - because they will all burn terribly when they come in contact with your eyes. I think this is a bad combination. I conclude it is a bad combination by the fact that I have been sprayed by multiple chemicals mutliple times in multiple eyes, and the result was never healthy, I'm assuming, from the indecent amounts of pain I suffered.

For instance, Windex, which is produced to clean glass hurts terribly. They should make a Windex-like spray to clean your eyes. And they should put that in every other chemical (like bleach for instance) so that it doesn't hurt your eyes.

Another bad happenstance that happened to happen to me, or, more specifically, happened to happen to my eyes, was one involving a pair of rubber bands, and can of WD-40, and a hyper-active homade particle accelerator. I won't get into details, but, the result can be indeed acknowledged as quite painful, and there were many hopes along the lines of 'don't go blind, please!'

Anyways, that's my solution. Make Eyedex. The eye cleaner that you can squirt yourself with.

"Eyedex. Because Windex hurts."

Every time someone takes a picture of like, Bigfoot, or the Lock Ness monster, or like, flying saucers, every picture that comes out is always blurry. How weird is that? Ever notice that little detail? There is no picture of Bigfoot in which he is not blurry.

And everyone complains 'Oh, it's fake cause it's blurry.' Well, go find a regular picture of Bigfoot. And they won't be able too, because the problem isn't the photographers fault. My theory is that Bigfoot is blurry. And that's extra scary to me.

Cause now, there's a large, out of focus monster roaming the country side. "Aw crap he's fuzzy! Run, get outa here!"

Same with the UFO's. Most of the time, they're clouds, or planes, or comets, or things like that. But maybe the aliens are actually blurry. You never know. On their world, everything is out of focus and blurry, which leads to comon identification errors: "Hey Bob!" "I'm Jim!" "Sorry, you look just like Bob!"

Okay, so there are a lot of things that sleep deprivation can cause, we've all been through that before. But there are a few things that a serious lack of sleep can cause that I, previsouly, was not aware were physically, or metaphorically even, possible.

Imagine. A city somewhere in the United States. This city, like most cities, is perfectly normal. Compare it to Chicago, though it is not Chicago. There is one little detail, however, that makes this city slightly different than other cities. This detail is the fact that there are a few too many shoe shops. While touring this city, people often sub-conciously register the fact that there are too many shoe shops.

Now, in order to produce more shoes, more shoe shops are required. However, with every shoe shop that is built, the quality of the shoes degrade a little bit. So, more and more shoe shops are built, and the quality of the shoes gets worse and worse, forcing more people to buy more pairs of shoes.

This entire situation finally climaxes in what is dubbed the Shoe Event Horizon, after which it is no longer economically possible to build anything but shoe shops. The result is crime, famine, disease, utter destruction of millions of people.

Don't let this happen to your city.

Okay, so, let it be known: I have long hair. This is sort of okay, it's cool enough. I have it up in a pony tail. Fine. However, I was recently surrounded by a bunch of teenage girls who forced me down and gave me a pair of French Braids, some random pineapple-style dew, and probably a few more things that I wasn't aware of.

Okay, so, fine, I get embarrased a little (a lot actually), and they have some fun with my hair. Sounds harmless right? Wrong. They had to take pictures. And a certain girl is almost surely going to put them on the internet.

So, as of really soon, my social life is officially over.

This is not so cool.

So, guys, for those of you who have really long hair - cut it now, or if you don't want to do that, never let any girls near your hair. You will surely not leave such an experiance with a better repuation. You will, in fact, lose several self-respect points.

Heed my warnings.

I am most definately going to cut my hair now - solely from that experiance.

That was not cool at all.

Okay, so, they say that breaking up is hard to do. What they don't say however, is how intensely easy just breaking stuff in general is. For instance, breaking limbs is very easy. Breaking things like computers and electronic is surprisingly easy as well. And, as we know, the mentality of your instructors is very fragile too.

However, there are just a few things that people should really try to be careful not to break. One such item is the toilet. Obviously, for you toilet breakers, you have never had the experiance of using a broken toilet. It is not pleasant, and I don't really want to go into details here, but I doubt it's very hard to guess what I'm getting at.

Other things that fall under the same category are of course, bottles of Axe. Let's face it, the stuff smells horrible, even in just small quantities. When an entire bottle breaks however, and the stuff is let loose into a room, the smell doesn't just not go away - oh no, it stays there for weeks, and gets worse. Imagine the Axe smell, only on drugs. Yeah, that's what it smells like.

One of the most important items that should be made nigh-unbreakable is, of course, great big bottles of Super Paint. This is low quality industrial paint that they use to glue other painted items together. They don't actually, they use it to glue two painted things together for eternity. One of the downsides of the Super Paint bottles is their faily fragile state, and it is because of this that I still have Super Paint stuck to my shoes, my clothes, my hands and upper arms, and portions of my hair. This is after three days with approximately four showers per hour.

So please, everyone, be careful when handling certain items, because breakable objects can cause people pain, or in my case, incredibly permenant staining of the skin and probably poisoning of the mind. Why do you think I keep writing these things?

Italian law makers have recently passed a series of laws that force all Italian pizza makers to make pizza by certain standards, or lese they may have their pizza-making-liscense suspended. These laws include the following:

-No pizza made in the country of Italy may be larger than 35cm in diameter, and no more than .3 cm thick in the middle.

Okay. Seriously now. Muffin's are getting way too big for anyone. They're gigantic! It could be served as an entrie course at the Texas Roadhouse. And don't even talk to me about the size of the blueberries in them. I think there's some mathimatical theorum that states: "The size of the blueberries and/or chocolate chips embedded in muffins must be directly proportional to the muffins themselves."

They are way too big for they're own good. Those blueberries are the size of....really really really big blueberries. And the chocolate chips seem as though they implant Hershey Kisses directly into the dough.

Okay, time to admit it - everyone has indulged in the classically imature "-in bed" game. The one where you take a slogan or motto from somewhere - usually hardwear stores or pet food brands - and add the words 'in bed' after it, to create some sort of comical sexual inuendo.